The Epic Bollywood Guide to Finding Love

Bollywood is known for its larger-than-life portrayals of love, with grandiose gestures of romance between people who have known each other for three days, or even people who have just seen each other under a chandelier, dancing in the rain, or when one of them walks towards the other in a sareewhen they’ve been made to sit on their knees by their 21-year-old college classmates who are actually 12, while they’re undercover to protect the army General’s daughter who hates him because he was a misogynistic douchebag.

These great gestures work in Bollywood’s world, which is largely a male fantasy land where men can hound, stalk, and even harass any woman who they think is attractive and still win her over, because in her heart, she really digs them and finds this sociopathic behaviour charming. Bollywood provides us with a vast encyclopaedia of things to do to find love, and we’re giving you some of the best.

Love In The Time of Uday Chopra

Image Source - YouTube
Image Source – YouTube

Catch someone stealing something. Blackmail her into going on a date with you. On the date, after she slaps you for being an obnoxious, creepy douche, pretend that your dad is richer than her dad. Months later, call her a wuss for not wearing skimpy clothes.

She will then wear skimpy clothes and dance in front of you. After she’s done, cover her up in a cloth, because sanskaar. Then tell her that your dad is actually poor. She will love you and dance with you on Valentine’s Day to a song that talks about opening doors and letting thieves in.

Wanker on a Train

Image Source - YouTube
Image Source – YouTube

Find someone on the Eurail who has been locked out of the compartment, and just wants to peacefully sit and read a book. Harass her like a wanker by putting your head in her lap and doing other creepy things. Make her miss her train and then act like a cocky douchebag, and tear her clothes in the process of being said cocky douchebag.

Share a barn with her, and pretend that you had drunk sex the next morning by drawing perfect lip-shaped marks on your body. After you have wasted what could’ve been an expensive lipstick, tell her that she has a lot of izzat because of her nationality.

Then go to Punjab to stop her wedding by impressing her family. Give her aunt horrible fashion tips, supply her family with agricultural produce, hit on her mother, and give a pigeon sepsis to prove that Indian soil can turn birds into Wolverine, so that her bauji can see your sanskaar. When her baujifinds a picture of the two of you and decides to slap you, let him. Her baujiwill hold onto her arm as if he is restraining an animal, and then let her go at the last possible second because he’s a sadistic tosser who gets his jollies off by seeing people run after trains.

Die Hard With A Bhindi

Image Source - Tumblr
Image Source – Tumblr

Be a badass police officer who is ridiculously mean to everyone, and doesn’t give a tiny rat’s fart about the law. Find someone who looks exactly like a witness who died before being able to testify. Illegally hold her adopted kids in prison to blackmail her into becoming a cabaret dancer who speaks English.
Simultaneously, keep an annoying, yet famous sidekick who likes bhindi, and who falls in love with your sister because she cooked him bhindi and carved his name on her wrist.

Make it clear to the sidekick that you will never let him have bhindi if he marries your sister against your will. This will prompt him to come up with an ingenious, non-disturbing plan to marry your sister. He will convince the cabaret dancer doppelgänger that being the wife of a cop will increase her izzat. Then, he will make you drink enough alcohol to kill a hippopotamus, and ask her to pretend that you raped her. Now you will have two options – prison, or marriage.

If you choose marriage, your sidekick will naively, but logically think that he can marry your sister. Screw him over by pretending that he killed your constable, and then ship him off to another country. What you didn’t count on was his zameer and bhindi, which will make him come back and punch you, even if it hurts his hand.

Love and Other Mugs

Meet someone who sells earthenware while on a police encounter. Break onematka, and then lovingly give her 500 rupees under threat of slap. When she says that she prefers slaps over love, break more matkas, and sing a few songs which involve hearts being projected on your shade lenses.

 Approach her drunkard father and threateningly tell him that if he doesn’t give his daughter to you, you will also get drunk and run him over. He will realise that he would rather drown in a lake. Your path is now clear, so dress up as if it’s your wedding and crash your half-brother’s wedding and get married in his mandap.

Tharki Dancing

Tharki Dancing
Image Source – Tumblr
Find a dancer for your unbelievably shitty musical play. Stalk her at the fruit and vegetable market and create a huge scene by kneeling in front of her while holding a watermelon. Ask her to be Maya. If she’s not being Maya, yell at her and tell her that she better get her shit together and be Maya until you make her cry.

In all this, if she says that she’s Pooja, tell her that she’s an idiot, and that you know that she’s Maya because you obviously know better, and there are enough Poojas anyway.

If you see some kids singing an innocent song in the rain about horses, elephants, and monsoon, hijack the whole thing and make it about how your beloved’s smile makes it rain. She will raise you by saying that your singing skills bring in the monsoon.

Then your dumbass friends will bring in your BFF to the dance, who has very obviously been in love with you forever, and is hellbent on dancing even though she’s supposed to be on bed rest. Some time later, the one you love will leave her much better looking and more talented fiance for you, even though he can do martial arts.

 Please, don’t try this at home.

Article Source – timesofeducation

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